Minti - Recent Comments on Question "Any ideas folks?"

Re: Any ideas folks?

jenjen — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 16:55:09 -0700

i'm sorry da,i dont have any answers . I just i hope it works out for you the way you want it too!

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 16:29:40 -0700

Maybe, when I can get a webcam. It's a plan that I'm going to be looking into - finally - this week. I was able to view him running around the room while msning with his dad at the end of last year, which was great. Been wanting to get a webcam ever since he left, just one thing after another has put it off. Thanks for the reminder! I've got a mic so I can talk to him, jsut gota geta mate to help me set it up (technologically challenged) but I'll get that and the cam done at the same time.

Cheers DA

Re: Any ideas folks?

winniesanders — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 11:59:31 -0700

Hi it's me again, you are on my mind. I keep thinking how frustrating it must be for you. Anyway, this may be far fetched,but is there any way the grand parents would allow you to communicate through a web cam, so your little boy can see your face and you can see him.? Just a thought.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 00:18:09 -0700

Thanks matey, really appreciate that.

Re: Any ideas folks?

kharma99 — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 23:33:08 -0700

being on dual citizenship is not that big of an issue- being born in Australia has alot of weight. The other point I wanted to raise is - his grandmother- has she got "legal custody" of your son or "legal guardianship" on him. This also has weight. Legal custody very much sways in your ex-hubands favour but Legal guardianship has a different meaning. I dont want to hamper your hopes but I will look into more information about USA laws for you & hope to get more information.

I know of some lawyers which will be able to help you on this one

regards

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:48:37 -0700

Guardianship between Australia and the US is hard as the laws are so different. He is actually in the legal custody of his Grandmother, but Daddy has most of the influence it seems. I will be seeking legal advice as soon as I can get my weakened blood-lacking carcass out of my house to do so... in about 2 weeks time.

And one thing that makes me intelligent is that I'm very aware that I don't know everything! If I did, I wouldn't be asking questions now would I? LOL

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:42:55 -0700

I know. Tell him that! LOL

Re: Any ideas folks?

Arna — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:35:47 -0700

Mental illness or not, you are doing your best and that is what counts. You should not be judged on your status, infact, it should make no difference at all. May not be the case, but it shouldn't!!!

I have Bi-polar and have struggled with it all of my adult life. Been uuuuuuup and dooooooown so much in last few years starting to get sea sick. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mother, just that I don't cope as well as others.

Depression strikes something like 98% of all of us at some time in our lives.

Re: Any ideas folks?

Arna — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:23:13 -0700

It is better your son knows from the start or he may resent both you and his dad for not telling him.

It sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment. If you are worried about not getting your son back go and get some legal advice. Family courts are very helpful and can offer support and advice. You probably know this already as you seem to be a very will informed person on just about everything!

I can't stand people who insist that we all live to their religious ideals. Ok, everyone has their own beliefs but pushing them onto other people really is unfair. They also condratict the bible too. I'm not a religious person myself, but will get any info my kids ask for when they are older and want to know more.

Who is the primary guardian of your son? If you have a joint custody agreement then it sounds as though you need to change this arrangement. Your ex is not an open minded person and could cause more harm than good. I don't mean cut him out completely, but make it so that he sees that he's not helping.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:52:50 -0700

That's the thing, I am trying to be honest, but it's hard when communication relies on other adults who aren't willing to do the same. Mediation? There's a reason why we're not together - he can't accept that anything could possibly be his fault, it's all my fault, etc. Yeah right! Takes two to stuff a relationship. So mediation is under the bridge and he also hates it when I turn to someone else to try and help smooth things over. I tried communicating with his mother to help work things out and he blasted me for it. I have given up communicating with him and i'll only be talking to his mother from now on. I don't know how far that will get me though.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:49:00 -0700

Thanks matey. Those last two bolded sentences are a great reminder and a mental relief. Needed that.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:47:10 -0700

I haven't been able to speak to him at all since New Years. Everytime I phone he's not around (at school or on holidays travelling with the grandparents) and the few times I've been phoned by them it's when Brendan isn't around to talk. Makes it feel like a bit of a conspiracy really. Driving me nuts.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:44:57 -0700

His father just won't listen no matter what I say. He's always been like that. I need to talk more with my son's grandmother, but she's a busy woman and has been fed one story from her son and has to figure out which of us to believe. I need to give her time to process all the info and make a few decisions. I'm also worried about losing my temper with them - counterproductive - if they argue and put me down about my situation. It's hard.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:41:20 -0700

He's not due back just yet, another year or so yet, but it all depends on his progress. It's the idea that he might not come back that is upsetting me, and I'd rather get the research done regarding what I can do about it should he refuse to bring him back.

The other thing is that if he does come back, I want him returning with the knowledge of his little brother/sister rather than having him suffer a terrible shock in coming back here to find out - after all, he'll have enough to adapt to without throwing that in on top.

The sad part is, where I'm now living things have improved and I could get him all the help he needs here if he was to come back now, but its looking like they don't want to consider that at this stage. I trusted them to do what was best for him, but they don't trust me to do the same. Why? Because I had a nervous breakdown before he left (gee, I wonder why!) and have since been diagnosed as having a mental illness, and I'm now on a disability pension (though it's more because of damage to my spine than the mental illness) so my ex thinks I can't look after myself let alone a child.

Ignorant presumptuous narrow-minded judgemental grumble grumble throw in a swear word somewhere there.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:31:55 -0700

That was half the frustration for us here, no one was willing to give him any kind of diagnosis beyond saying he had a severe receptive and expressive language disorder. The phone problem is that he gets on it, babbles incoherently for a moment then hangs up. He doesn't stop to listen so doesn't really get the idea that someone else is actually on the other end. Yes his ability to understand is far better than most people realise, that's why I know if I was there I'd be able to get the message through, but I can't do it over the phone. I tried sending a photo of the ultrasound, and they refused to show him. I'm just at a loss as to how to get it through to him.

Re: Any ideas folks?

DarkenedAngel — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:23:01 -0700

He's on dual citizenship. He was born in Australia. The only way that he was able to go to the USA on such a long term basis with only one parent was to get dual citizenship and my approval to go, so the hague convention doesn't apply. Thanks anyway matey, if circumstances were different, that would have been very useful to know.

Re: Any ideas folks?

Deborahsc2203 — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 15:08:04 -0700

oh babe how frustraiting this must be for you ,,,,,,

when is your son due to come back to Australia?

it will be hard to explain things over the phone to him as alot of little ones need to be able to see things for you explain so they understand whats going on ,,,( depends on the age of the child)and the level of his understanding ,,, and you never know what they are telling him after you have also spoken to him on the phone ,, right now I would go see a lawyer so you will know your next step if he dosent bring your son home ,, just in case be prepared ... I feel for you as you had made a huge sacrifice by putting your son first and letting him go overseas so he will get better help ...

more than anything even know hes your ex hubby i think his pride has been Dented cause you are going to be a mummy again ..( he sounds like a controller) been though that also ..

Re: Any ideas folks?

sebcanatalay — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 15:07:34 -0700

Hi,

I have read your advice in tears. You are such a strong woman/mother. To make this kind of decision must be very hard. I would go trough a lawyer or may be contact to his father again. Good luck

Seb

Re: Any ideas folks?

BigBearLittleBear — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 14:41:40 -0700

I would attempt to communicate with him over the phone. Even though he has difficulties in this area I think it's better to attempt and if that's the only way then that's how I'd do it. That way at least you know you've put in the best effort you can to communicate with him under the circumstances. As for your ex not wanting to bring him back, contact a solicitor ASAP for advice on where to go in this instance. Best of luck and I really hope your son is getting the care he needs and deserves in America, it sounds like things are improving after reading your article.

Re: Any ideas folks?

winniesanders — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 11:32:47 -0700

I've just read your previous advice. What an amazing woman you are. That descision must have been heartbreaking. I wonder though, has you child been diagnosed. Is he on the autistic spectrum. He seems to be exceptionally bright. Jigsws ahead of his age. Difficulty communicating. Violent outbursts, re frustration.Is the phone really a toy or is it the function of the thing he's more interested in. From a proffessional stand point,if your child is that bright,but with "slow learning" then he may have a processing disorder and though cannot communicate well,his ability to understand could be much more advanced than one realises. I would keep him in the loop at all times.Twice exceptional children understand things in different form to us. But they do understand and welcome not being treated differently or below their chronilogical age. Right I'm getting off my high horse now. Best wishes with whatever your decision,you could really do without the stress just now.Best wishes.Winnie.

Re: Any ideas folks?

kharma99 — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 09:19:28 -0700

Hi,

Regarding your son in the USA- if you ex-hubby is "threatening to not return your son" back to yourself then I would get in-touch with Immigration/passports & have a trace put on him. Im assuming that he is travelling on an Australian passport (& not on a dual citizenship). The USA are connected to what they call "the hague convention/child abduction" & should the children be found (regarding of whether they are with their father &/or mother), shall be returned to their place of birth (Im assuming in this case Australia).

Sorry if this sounds harsh but have just been thru a court case 8 days ago regarding this exact issue!

good luck

Re: Any ideas folks?

mefee — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:42:58 -0700

Hi mate,

You must be so frustrated! I can totally feel the need to tell your son the truth. I too am a believer in telling kids the truth, no matter what! I'd like to give you the answer in a few short words but unfortuneatly I can't!! My advice would be to still try and tell him over the phone every chance you get, and maybe send him photos of beautiful growing body. Is there any chance of his grandparents telling him? Perhaps his school? Unfortuneatly if you have no success with any other avenues you may have to consider waiting. I know it's not what you want to do, but it may be the only thing you can do. My brother went through a similar thing with his son, and when his ex decided that my brother couldn't see his son, he was devasted, but as luck would have it, when his son was old enough (about 8) he started asking questions about "dad" and his ex couldn't hide him anymore. And a new relationship was born. Of course it was a bit patchy in the beginning but things did work out in the end.

After reading your story, I was totally blown away! I think you are one of the bravest people I've come across. It takes alot for anyone, let alone a mother to let go -so to speak- (forgive me if I haven't used right words) and to know that they'll get better care elsewhere. Hats off to you. From your story it sounds like your son is excelling which is great! I know it's a hard thing, but if your ex is going to be an ****hole about it, then wait. He is your son, no-one is ever gonna take that away from you. You are his mother no-one can take that away from him.

I really hope you work things out.

Hugs and kisses, Fiona

Re: Any ideas folks?

trixie30 — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 08:36:22 -0700

Hi there please be honest to your son ,as its best instrest for him to know that your are going to have a baby and the father of your son should try and put aside his beliefs and help get your son to understand that you both love him,the father sounds not respobilble enough he putting his feelings first and not your sons.Maybe some sort of mediation as you can do it over the phone with the father so he can understand and try and work on your differences.Its very hard to raise children in a seperated family as is and the key is try and work together and try and stay kinda friends so at least they is a good chance success for your son,as later in life he needs to have a good reletionship with both of u's to learn to have a successful family of his own as usually the tracks that you take him in now will return in his family life.I too have family law matters and belevive dont let your son suffer as much as mine is as me and the father of son have gone pass the point of trying to work things out its hard and sad.But you area agood mother in trying to think what best for your son its should all work out best of luck matey